The Bahamas
The Reluctant Adventures of Captain Hastings the Boat Dog
Hastings the Boat Dog Applies for a Swimming Pig Position.
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| Practicing My Modeling Skills, Meeks Patch, Eleuthera |
Dear Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas LTD,
I saw with excitement your advertisement for an intern Swimming Pig. I have been monitoring the success of Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas, LLC with interest and delight. My current managers have often mentioned that I would make a great swimming pig. I couldn't agree more.
My primary quality is insatiable greed. I have noticed that the current pigs are able to continuously and without complaint leap up time after time and charge towards humans in demand of food. I too have this skill and am constantly hungry. In fact, that is one of my main motivations for applying. My current managers used to believe that one meal a day was sufficient. My cunning and charm have increased the meal allotment by 300%. I am now seeking to bring my award winning skills to a position where I can continue to grow with the company. I believe that Swimming Pigs, LTD will enable my charms to extract 15 – 20 meals a day.
I am extrememly charming and beautiful. Strangers often stop me in the street to discuss my wonderfullness and often offer treats. Everywhere I go, I employ my unique skill set to charm and procure.
As I said, I have been following Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas, LTD with interest. Please allow me to make a suggestion. Could we distribute a list of acceptable foods with an accompanying reward chart? Cheese and chicken = swimming and smiles. Chicken = swimming. Vegetables = glares (add retching noises on a case by case basis). Nothing = bites. In my experience, humans are very stupid and need things spelled out for them, with the appropriate demonstrations, hour after hour, day after day.
Please do not discount me for having paws instead of hoofs. I believe that my uniqueness will be a strong asset to your company and will enable more effective cross-marketing and empower you to attract a wider audience than you have ever dreamed.
In closing, I believe that I have both the greed and the cuteness neccessary to succeed as a Swimming Pig. I have a documented track record of successful food procurement and believe that I could be the asset that causes exponential growth for Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas, LTD.
Please find the enclosed headshots, as requested. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Captain Hastings
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| Tactic 1: Doe Eyes |
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| Tactic 2: Heavy breathing and Glaring |
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| Tactic 3: I Do Deserve a Donut. |
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| Head Shot |
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| Strong Ability to Frolic for Instagram |
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| Tactic 4: Make Meaning Clear with Hitting. |
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| Swimming Practice |
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| Sizing up the competition |
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| I communicate well with my coworkers |
11 comments
I'm a sucker for the doe eyes, but that head shot is pretty convincing! Good luck, Hastings. If it were up to me, you'd be hired in a heartbeat!
ReplyDeleteThanks :-) I'm becoming concerned about the amount of vegetables that are offered to the pigs, and the distinct lack of cheese. Might have to stick with my current managers for now. - Hastings.
DeleteHastings, you're a shoo-in for the intern position! They'd be fools not to hire you. In no time, I bet you'd be running the place.
ReplyDeleteI'm most concerned about the human training part. I've been training my humans for years, and they still try to slip carrots into my meals. It's very frustrating. - Hastings.
DeleteHastings, good luck!I believe you have mastered all the skills necessary to con, eeh sorry charm your way with humans. I'm sure you'll be an asset in the piggy company.
ReplyDeleteWill Oliver join me in my crusade? :-)
DeleteAlas, Oliver has become a very picky eater. He even lost weight. He's normal now (the horror!).
DeleteI'm afraid hell be a hindrance to the company
I think he'll get hired without a doubt, and can skip the next step (the interview). Also, I think he can easily out-swim his co-workers to assure the best and finest pickings. I love this post!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the vote of confidence! I'm going to have to check and confirm the nap schedule. Wouldn't want to have to work through any of my regularly scheduled naps :-)
Deletethnks
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